Why Reducing Accommodation Helps Anxious Kids Feel Stronger (Even When It Feels Hard)

When your child is anxious, your instinct is to help—answer the same question again, avoid the scary situation, or step in to rescue them from distress. These responses come from love. But over time, they can actually make anxiety stronger, not smaller.

What Is Parental Accommodation?

Parental accommodation refers to changes parents make to reduce a child’s anxiety in the moment. These behaviors are almost always well-intentioned. When a child is distressed, parents naturally want to soothe, protect, and make the discomfort stop.

Common forms of accommodation include:

  • Helping a child avoid anxiety-provoking situations

  • Answering the same anxious questions over and over

  • Allowing changes to routines to prevent distress

  • Completing tasks for a child because they feel anxious

In the short term, accommodation works. Anxiety goes down quickly and everyone feels relief.

But the relief doesn’t last.

Why Accommodation Keeps Anxiety Going

Anxiety is fueled by the belief: “I can’t handle this.”
When parents consistently step in to remove discomfort, anxiety learns something important:

Avoidance and reassurance keep me safe.

Over time, the anxious brain begins to rely on these supports rather than building coping skills. The child doesn’t get the chance to learn:

  • “I can tolerate discomfort.”

  • “I can get through this on my own.”

  • “Anxiety rises—but eventually falls.”

Instead, anxiety grows louder and more demanding, often asking for more reassurance, more avoidance, and more parental involvement.

Common Examples of Accommodation

Parents are often surprised to learn how subtle accommodation can be. Some common examples include:

Reassurance:

  • Answering “What if…?” questions repeatedly

  • Promising certainty (“Nothing bad will happen”)

  • Checking and re-checking to reduce worry

Avoidance:

  • Letting a child skip school, social events, or activities

  • Speaking for a child when they feel anxious

  • Changing family plans to avoid distress

Rescuing:

  • Completing tasks your child can do but feels anxious about

  • Stepping in immediately when discomfort appears

  • Allowing anxiety to dictate routines or rules

None of these mean you’re doing something “wrong.” They mean you’re attempted to respond with care.

Why Reducing Accommodation Helps (Even Though It’s Hard)

Reducing accommodation is a core part of SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), a research-based parent treatment for child anxiety. The goal of SPACE is not to eliminate anxiety or force a child into scary situations. Instead, it helps parents shift from accommodating avoidance to supporting coping.

When accommodation decreases, several important things happen:

  • Anxiety no longer gets reinforced

  • Children learn they can handle discomfort

  • Confidence grows through experience, not reassurance

  • Anxiety naturally decreases over time

This process can feel uncomfortable at first—for both parents and children. It’s common for anxiety to temporarily spike when accommodations are reduced. But with consistency and support, anxiety learns that it no longer controls the family.

What Reducing Accommodation Looks Like (and What It Doesn’t)

Reducing accommodation does not mean:

  • Ignoring your child

  • Being cold or dismissive

  • Forcing exposure to “toughening them up”

  • Removing support or empathy

Instead, it means changing how you show support.

Examples:

  • “I know this is hard, and I believe you can handle it.”

  • “I won’t answer that question again, but I’m here with you.”

  • “We’re going to keep our plan, and I’ll help you get through the feelings.”

Why This Can Feel So Hard for Parents

Parents often worry:

  • “Am I making things worse?”

  • “What if my child falls apart?”

  • “Isn’t it cruel to say no when they’re anxious?”

These fears make sense. Watching your child struggle is painful. But reducing accommodation sends a powerful message, “I believe in your ability to cope.” That belief—consistently communicated—becomes a foundation for resilience.

What Kids Learn When Accommodation Decreases

With time and repetition, children begin to learn:

  • Anxiety is uncomfortable, but not dangerous

  • Feelings rise and fall on their own

  • They are capable, even when anxious

  • They don’t need anxiety to make decisions for them

These lessons don’t come from reassurance—they come from experience.

Final Thoughts

Reducing accommodation is not about doing less for your child—it’s about doing something different. It’s about shifting from protecting your child from anxiety to helping them grow through it.

When parents step back in thoughtful, supportive ways, children step forward. Anxiety loses power. Confidence grows. And kids learn something lasting: they are stronger than their fears.

If you’re reading this and thinking, this feels like our family, our 4-week SPACE group can help. Together, we’ll practice how to reduce accommodation while staying supportive—so your child can build confidence and move forward. Register today to take the next step.

Kellsey Launius