Building Resilience: Helping Kids Do Hard Things, One Step at a Time
The start of a new school year brings fresh opportunities for growth, and for many children, it also brings challenges, from tackling harder assignments to navigating new routines. As parents, our first instinct is often to step in and smooth the path. While this comes from a place of love, stepping in too often can unintentionally prevent children from building the skills and confidence they need to handle challenges on their own.
This year, try a different approach: focus on noticing the good and reinforcing independence while giving your child space to work through difficulties. This combination can help them grow their resilience, problem-solving skills, and self-confidence.
Notice Effort, Not Just Outcomes
Praise is powerful, but the kind of praise we give matters. Instead of focusing only on achievements (“You got an A on your test!”), notice the steps your child takes along the way:
“I saw you kept working on that math problem even when it was tricky, I’m really proud of you.”
“You packed your backpack without being asked, thank you for taking responsibility.”
“You spoke up in class even though it made you nervous. That is brave.”
By recognizing effort, persistence, and problem-solving, you teach your child that hard work matters just as much as results. This kind of reinforcement builds an internal sense of competence that will carry them through bigger challenges.
Step Back to Let Them Step Up
Encouraging independence means resisting the urge to fix every problem. If your child can’t find their shoes, it can be tempting to rush in to help them find them. But allowing natural consequences, paired with support and empathy, can be a powerful learning moment
Try:
Waiting before offering help, and asking, “What is your plan?”
Letting them try tasks their own way, even if it is slower or less efficient.
Encouraging them to break big tasks into smaller, manageable steps.
This does not mean withdrawing support entirely. It means shifting from doing things for your child to doing them with your child, and eventually, cheering them on as they do them on their own.
Teach Problem-Solving Skills
When children face obstacles, it is easy for them to feel stuck. Teaching problem-solving skills gives them a roadmap for moving forward. You can model this by thinking out loud when you work through a challenge yourself. For example, “I cannot find my keys. First, I will check the kitchen counter. If they are not there, I will look in my bag.”
For children, you can guide them through a simple process:
Define the problem.
Brainstorm possible solutions.
Choose one to try.
Test it out.
Reflect on what worked and what could be improved.
Over time, this process becomes more automatic, and children begin approaching problems with confidence instead of avoidance.
Putting It Together: Praise Plus Time/Space
When you pair positive reinforcement with a little more space and time to do it themselves, you send the message, “I believe you can do this.” That belief helps children push through frustration, take risks, and feel proud of their progress.
Before stepping in, pause and ask yourself: “Am I helping because they truly need it, or because it is quicker and easier for me?”
After they try, highlight the effort you saw, even if the result was not perfect.
Over time, gradually step back as their skills grow, celebrating each milestone.
The Takeaway
Children build resilience by doing hard things, and they gain confidence when the adults in their lives notice and celebrate their efforts along the way. This school year, try balancing your support with opportunities for your child to practice independence. One small step at a time, they will learn they are capable of more than they thought, and that is a lesson worth reinforcing all year long.